i am really mad about how dumb i am. no matter how i study i just can't do well with chemistry and physics because my brain just never understands this sort of thing. i stink at numbers and i have no common sense about this stuff. i need to do well this semester ... or at least not fail. it is very possible for me to do well but it's only if i don't self destruct, which i do every year around finals time. i just cannot seem to be able to buckle down and study.

we have lately been studying positive psychology and i am not programmed to be happy because i have little control over my life, i am introverted, and these things lead to depression ... it is not the other way around. apparently if you give people training in assertiveness, this leads to less depression and more happiness. this is pretty annoying. i kind of hate psychology when i realize that i am just not fit for certain things.

i need to get things together. i need to just get through college and then i can go on to do something else.

also, i got news yesterday that we are definitely going back to taiwan for the holidays. i am leaving on the 20th of december. i am excited because i haven't been back in a long time and i have never been there during the winter ... but, i feel guilty because these trips are so expensive.

here are some other things that are bothering me ... i have gained all the weight that i lost during the summer back. i have not been sleeping well and i wake up with pain in my back ... probably because i am fat and fat people have these sort of problems. i have a hard time getting out of the house. if jordan is not with me, i tend not to leave the house for anything ...