so i am still working with facebook to fix my account. i have gotten my new checks which the bank completely messed up ... i wanted plain ones with my name on them in print. i got frilly ones with alternating designs of monet's water lillies, playful puppies, and seashells. they are disgusting. they were still free so i will just deal with them for another 100 checks.

i have been really upset with myself lately because i don't know how to do most things right. i am really frustrated and have been feeling really bad about myself because no matter what, i don't feel like i'm getting any skinnier. so i really upset myself on saturday night in dallas while i was waiting for jen and aaron to get back from the rancid concert. i started making a list of all the things that i hate about myself. it was terrible. i'd also had a really bad one-sided argument with jordan the night before about something so dumb that i don't want to blog about it because in 20 years when i come back and read about my life on this blog, i don't want to remember what i yelled at him about. i am sure i will still remember anyway because it was really mean.

also, the thing that i hate about jordan is that he can never just be mean to me when i am really mean to him for no reason. it makes arguing unsatisfying and makes me more irritated at him. afterward, when i get all my anger out, i feel bad and he just lets it go like it didn't matter. this makes me feel even worse and it has become one of the things on my list of things that i hate about myself and will never forgive myself for. i wish he would just hit me or refuse to talk to me or something. jordan also always tries to get me to tell him about what is bothering me and whenever i am done telling him, he always reminds me that i am so upset because i'm on my period ... even if i'm not on my period. then it just annoys me all over again.

i was thinking about putting the list of things about myself that i hate in this blog but i'm not going to because it is enough that i remember the things without having other people know them. however, i will say (and it has been a complaint before) that i hate the fact that i have no feminine training. it's not really my mom's fault because she never did anything girly and she turned out fine. but, it really annoys me that i don't have any make-up skills or fashion sense like all the other lanier and lamar girls that i grew up with. in middle school and high school i could just ignore it because i hung out with guys and they didn't care but as the years went on, i started feeling more inadequate because i started hanging out with girls more but i still convinced myself that i was a different type of girl ... one who knew about good music (because of my sister and aaron) and who was sarcastic and funny enough to not have to be pretty or feminine ...

in that last paragraph there was somewhat of a contradiction ... i mean if you know me, you would have read that last paragraph and say that the person i described was not me in anyway ... the thing is, i think that's how i am on the inside. i won't say that i didn't like shopping or buying dresses or getting dressed up but once i got out of the house, i always felt (and still feel) that the overall product that seemed ok at home in front of the mirror was somewhat off centered. it was never a huge faux pas that i was committing and i'm sure that most people would have thought nothing was wrong at all but i could just feel it. for example, if i were to be in a group picture, someone would later look at that photo and at first glance, notice nothing off. however, the second time they'd look, they would start feeling that there was something wrong with the picture without knowing what it was ... then with more study, they would point at me and say that i was the one who make the picture all funky. that's how i feel everyday. there's just something wrong with me.

anyway, before i got all off task with my explanation, i was going to say that i talked my mom into going to target a few times with me to look for make-up so that i could practice ... i am really embarrassed to be blogging about this because it makes me feel awkward ... anyway all the times we went, i didn't know what to choose and in what shade. it was really daunting because there are so many things that have all different names depending on the brand and some brands have more things than others. anyway, every time we went, we ended up leaving with nothing because i got too embarrassed in the aisle because some girl who knew what she was doing was looking in the same aisle and every time we would leave empty handed, i just felt worse because i couldn't use common sense and figure out what i needed ...

so, i ended up going on avon.com and looking at what they had ... i also looked on the internet for some 'how to' guides. i ended up shopping on avon's website because i felt more comfortable looking for a really long time and researching because nobody could see me and think about what a nube i was ... i got some loose powder in a translucent color that matches all skin tones, a make-up remover, and a blush bronzer compact. i got the translucent color because i am still too scared to get a color because i don't know how to match things to my skin color (especially online) but to make up for the lack of color, i got the bronzer because you can use it to build the color that you want. i think when i am more brave i will go to the mall make-up counter and ask the lady to find a color that matches for me. i haven't gotten my order yet but i'm sure it'll be here this week! also i had my mom take me to walmart last night and i got some cute brushes (that i probably won't need), moisturizing toner, and an eyeshadow palette.

i feel kind of dumb about all this but at least i am not sulking about this particular thing anymore and i am doing something about it ... i am still working on my weight which is the other thing that is really bothering me ... and i am trying to figure out ways to fix all the other things about my body and my personality that's been bugging me.

oh, i also finished another book ...

- the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky

i feel like that book is about me. every character is me.